


Elegy for the Dead; Hope for the Living

by greekowl87



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Cancer Arc, F/M, MSR, Post-Episode: s04e22 Elegy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23980246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekowl87/pseuds/greekowl87
Summary: I have too much insomnia and write too much. Rewatched Elegy today and wondered, how would Scully reconcile after seeing the fetch of Harold Spuller, being reminded of the cancer killing her, and deal with Mulder?
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Elegy for the Dead; Hope for the Living

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been playing a lot of the X-Files in the background as I’ve been working the past few days. I just rewatched Elegy and got some major cancer arc angst inspiration. And I can’t sleep with anxiety again. So, cancer arc angst anyone? Lucky you!

She is me. 

Scully awoke, gasping for air, remembering the blood-stained letters in a mirror reflecting back at her. Her nose bloody, unable to stop it or the cancer that was slowly killing her. She remembered Mulder telling her that only those close to death would see the ghosts. She had seen those dead spirits. That probably meant her own mortality wasn’t that far off.

She touched her nose, feeling the coppery blood. Turning on the light, she reached for a tissue to stem the bleeding. She pinched her nose and jogged to her bathroom. The stream of blood seemed never-ending. She pinched her nose tighter and leaned her head back. It had been two weeks since her last treatment and she was beginning to reconsider even doing them at all. She grabbed a new tissue and closed her eyes, feeling sudden pain.

She walked quickly to her bedroom, blindly grabbing her phone. She dialed Mulder’s number and he answered it on the first ring. “Scully? What is it?”

“Um, can you get over here as fast as you can?”

“Are you okay?”

“Can you just get over here?”

“I’m on my way.”

Her pulse was racing. She is me. See the dead girl and the apparition of Harold Spuller. She had tears as she rushed back to the bathroom. The nosebleed had slowed as she grabbed another tissue. Scully sat on the edge of her toilet seat and tried to take a few breaths. Not only was she trying to stem her nosebleed but she was also trying to curve the panic attack that was threatening to rise in her chest.

She checked the tissue, seeing that bleeding had finally stopped but now she could feel bile rising up in the back of her throat, stomach twisting. Her pulse spiked and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Then, she couldn’t handle it... nausea. She flipped open the toilet, got on her knees, and braced herself as the panic wrecked the rest of her body.

* * * * * 

Mulder sped into Georgetown on the empty Beltway. He managed to find a parking spot right in front of her building. He looked up to her apartment and saw the lights turned off. He rushed up the stairs and unlocked her door. Darkness greeted him as he stepped into the apartment. His heart stopped. “Scully? Scully!”

“I’m in the bathroom, Mulder.”

He could Scully’s shaking voice and in a few long strides, he went to her bathroom. She was sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest. Her hair was askew, her eyes bloodshot. “Scully? What happened?’

She lifted her hand and he saw tremors. “I can’t get my hand to stop shaking, Mulder.” She held up her other hand. “My hands won’t stop shaking. And my heart, it feels like it’s about to burst on my chest. I can’t stand. My head is swimming. I’ve been dry heaving for the past hour. I’m sick to my stomach.”

“Is it cancer?”

“I don’t think so.” She shook her head, tears in her eyes. “No.” She strangled a laugh. “It’s a panic attack. I have all the classic signs of a panic attack.” But her weak laughter turned in a sob and Mulder bent down in front of her. “I’ve never had a panic attack, Mulder!”

Mulder placed his hand against her breast bone and wrapped his arm around her. Carefully, not breaking contact, he sat next to her and pulled her against him. She cried harder and tried to curl into him. “I’m right here, Scully.” He kissed her hair and held her tighter. “I’m here.”

“I can’t breathe.” She began to hyperventilate and she pulled back in alarm. “Mulder!”

“Scully, it’s your panic attack. You have to calm down.”

“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to.” 

Her tears were coming faster and he frowned and pulled her into between his long legs. He wrapped his arms around her and tried to surround her like a blanket. He took a deep breath and held it and breathed out slowly. “Scully, you need to breathe. Breathe with me.” He took another deep breath, held it, and slowly exhaled. “Do you feel it, Scully? You have to breathe with me. Come on, let’s take another breath.”

Scully clutched his hands and tried to slow her breaths to match his. After about five minutes of repeating their breathing cycle, she could feel her world become a bit steadier.

“You okay?” She nodded, closing her eyes and leaned back against him. He tightened his arms around her. “Do you think you can stand?”

She shook her head. “I’ve been feeling light-headed and from throwing up...it really takes it out of me, Mulder.”

“Okay. Give me a second then.”

He stood up first and held out both of his large hands. Scully stared at them, her eyes trying to focus on them despite her swimming head. She grabbed his hands and he helped her stand effortlessly. “Are you okay?”

She swayed slightly and kept her eyes closed. “I think so...I don’t know what happened. I woke up from a nightmare and then I had a nosebleed. I don’t know what possessed me to call you. I probably wasted your time.”

“I wouldn’t call this a waste of time. You had quite the panic attack from the looks of it.” He was silent, gently caressing her cheek. “Let’s get something to calm your stomach.”

“Mulder, I’m fine.”

He growled in frustration. “Scully, what did I tell you? The sooner you stop denying it, the more I can help you. Hearing you say you didn’t want to die tonight was the closest you’ve come to telling me the truth in the past seven months.”

She lowered her gaze, remembering her conversation with her therapist. “I don’t want to disappoint you.” Her confession was barely a whisper but loud enough for him to hear. “I’m sorry.”

Mulder sighed, shaking his head. “Don’t be.” He wrapped his arm around her neck and pulled her into a hug. “Aw, Scully. I can never be disappointed with you.” She nodded silently into his chest. “But let’s try to get some food into you. Do you have anything you think you might be able to stomach?”

She nodded. “I’ll get it…”

“No, you will sit on your couch. I’ll make it for you.”

“Mulder, it was just a tiny panic attack.”

“No, it wasn’t.” He rubbed her shoulder. “As a psychologist, I am telling you it was a bad one.”

“And I’m a doctor.”

“And together we make one hell of a team.” She looked up and smiled slightly. “I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll make you something to eat.”

He lead her to to the couch and began to dig through her cabinets. Scully took her Afghan and wrapped around her shoulders. She watched him. “I have Lipton noodle soup above the sink. During my first rounds of radiation, that was one of the few things I could stomach.”

“Okay,” he smiled, “we got somewhere to start. So, I know Chef Mike personally who’ll do a great job on this.”

“Chef Mike,” she whispered. He saw her smile slightly. “Who’s that.”

He tapped her microwave proudly. She chuckled and nodded. “Chef Mike.”

Mulder quickly filled a microwaveable container with water and the soup mix and put it in for 12 minutes. He went to the sink and poured her a glass of water. They sat in silence for a bit. “So,” he began, walking to join her on the couch, “You want to tell me what happened?”

She drew her knees close. “A nightmare. She is me. I woke up with the nosebleed and then one thing led to another.”

“What did we just talk about, Scully?”

She cleared her throat, trying to organize her thoughts. “After I left tonight, I saw Harold Spuller’s apparition in the back of my car, Mulder. Just like I did with the murder victim. What you said about them being a fetch...an omen of death…” her voice trailed off and she wiped away fresh tears. “I don’t want to die, Mulder. I’m not ready to die. But I’m afraid. I am so afraid.”

“Is that what caused the panic attack?”

“Part of it and this nosebleed, I was afraid it wasn’t going to stop. I mean I’m a doctor but a part of me thought of the illogical possibilities.” She reached for the water Mulder had brought her. Her throat felt raw and the water soothed it a little. “I’m scared, Mulder. I’ve tried so hard to be strong and keep my faith but I have never felt more lost. I know I’m dying but I can’t accept it.”

He reached for her hand and held it. “That’s the first time since this all started you’ve told me how you actually feel.”

She cringed and hide her face in her other hand. “Sure you aren’t disappointed in me?”

“Why would I be?”

She shrugged. The microwave timer went off and he held up a finger to fetch her a mug of soup. Scully watched him, feeling so touched by his signs of affection. He returned with a steaming cup and handed her a spoon. She nodded and sipped the scalding liquid slowly. “Thank you.” She looked up to him and shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like even after four years, I still have to prove myself to you.”

“You have nothing to prove to me, Scully.” He sighed. “I just wished you would have told me sooner. So you saw Spuller’s fetch huh?” She nodded. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Maybe because you’re so close to death right now...you’re a pathologist…”

“Mulder,” she whispered, “We both know what it is. It’s the cancer.”

“That doesn’t mean you won’t get better,” he said. She ate more of the soup. “I refuse to believe it.”

“Mulder, I’m getting worse, not better.” She sighed. “I went to the doctor after my previous nosebleed and things were fine. I am not lying about that; I do feel fine. Most days but my treatments...I’m not responding to them anymore. It’s getting worse. We need to have this conversation. We’ve both been avoiding it.”

“You aren’t going to die from this, Scully. I won’t let it happen.”

“Oh, Mulder,” she whispered fondly “If I only had the strength of your beliefs.”

“I’ll find you a cure, Scully. I swear to God, I’ll find you a cure.” 

The tone and seriousness with which he vowed to her made her shiver. Maybe this was a conversation for another night. “Mulder,” she tried to downplay it. “Maybe...maybe this is the wrong time.”

“When will there be a time, Scully? I’m not going to let you die.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “I promise you, I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

She had tears in her eyes. “I’m not going to be able to eat all this myself.” She wiped them away. “And it’s late. I don’t want to see you driving home this late. Do you mind staying here tonight?”

Mulder titled his head. “I would be happy too, Scully.”

She gave a small smile as he got up to get the rest of the soup. They ate in silence, finishing it off. Somehow, unspoken communication did more for them compared to when they used their words. They finished the soup and Mulder washed out the mugs. Scully stood up on unsteady feet. He came to her side and she grasped his hand, leading him to her bedroom. Mulder felt his heart race. This was the stuff of his fantasies, but right now, those dreams took a back seat in favor of the present. “Stay with me, please, Mulder?”

“Whatever you want, Scully.”

He took away the Afghan and helped her into bed and gently tucked her in. He went to the other side of her bed and sat next to her. “I am sorry for not telling you the truth before,” she whispered.

He lay down on top of the covers next to her, kicking his shoes off in the process. “It’s okay. But you have to trust me when I say we’ll get through this together.”

Scully recalled the fetches. He turned onto his side and held out his arm. She snuggled against him. “I hope you are right,” she whispered.

“We will.” He hugged her tightly. “I’m glad you called me.”

She closed her eyes as he nuzzled her hair. “So am I.”


End file.
